10 Ways to Reduce Repression Without Forfeiting Faith 🩵

Save your relationship, not just your soul

I grew up in an almost-cult-level religious household. I later learned that my religion wasn’t so bad, it’s just that the way it was taught to me was really, really bad.

I think most people in that situation tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but there was some spark in me that wanted to find out about the divine connection I had been promised, and that spark seemed to know we were not finding it in the ugly, vain repetitions of archaic rules and puritanical punishments that characterized my upbringing.

The thing I did do, as many have before me, was experiment with all kinds of things as soon as I had the ability to do so.

You’re probably assuming that means I ran around breaking all the rules, which I did. However, I also started earnestly searching for a better set of rules. On both sides of the line, I started figuring out what was good for me and what wasn’t.

Good for me: Going out with friends, breaking curfew, consuming media outside of my comfort zone, learning to relax and have fun.

Not good for me: Staying out all night when I had to work the next morning, living on cigarettes and coffee, running from one boy to the next like there was no tomorrow.

Good for me: Love your neighbor, seek enlightenment, do good, try hard.

Not good for me: Judgment, martyrdom, secrecy, and ostracism.

Those are some obvious starting points, and the layers have become increasingly nuanced and complex over the years.

What I have learned, though, is that most of the time, it is possible to hold faith and freedom in the same reality.

Most of the time, crippling constraints that come from a place of shame and guilt are not actually doctrinal. (If they are, I might respectfully suggest looking for a different source of doctrine.)

And most of the time, when you stop listening to the wonky cultural interpretations of your grandma or your uncle or your childhood Sunday School teacher, and go straight to the source, letting contorted opinions fall away, you find that with whatever vocabulary is used in your particular delivery system, the higher powers of the universe are pretty much rooted in love, acceptance, empowerment, and personal growth.

Take the Law of Chastity, for example. This one is usually interpreted as a big, fat, DO NOT. THOU SHALT NOT. All sex is all bad all the time.

But, if you believe in Somebody who created us, why would They make us with a corrupt operating system?

You really think that this crazy complex finely engineered piece of machinery is malfunctioning every minute of every day of your life, all for the minute purpose of making babies on a few rare occasions?

Whenever I feel overwhelmed by the DO NOTs, I start looking for the DO. What if the Law of Chastity (or whatever vocabulary you prefer) is actually a compelling direction to MAKE USE of this crazy-complex-finely-engineered piece of machinery?

What if it’s an adjuration to FIGURE IT OUT. To get curious and explore its powers and try all the features and like… practice using it?

What if, instead of “Thou shalt not have sex” we looked at it in this light:

“Thou SHALT relentlessly pursue the extraordinary gift that is hard-wired into you”?

What if Somebody up there is trying to say: Guys! I put all the equipment right on board so you couldn’t lose it, and nobody could take it away from you (which doesn’t mean they can’t break it, but that’s another story for another day), you can almost never forget about it, and you have practically unlimited opportunities to try it out! Get creative! Find Joy! Keep pushing buttons and pulling levers and testing prototypes and running sequences until you FEEL IT WORKING!

So, based on this theory, we’ve been experimenting. And I’ve gotta tell ya, all signs sure look like we’re on the right track. It feels pretty scary to stretch outside of the boundaries that were harmfully conditioned into our psyches.

But mostly, it feels awesome.

This exploration and experimentation is what led Mr. K and I to creating the serial romance novel we’re sharing here, Sanctified. It’s a lot of sex.

But it is joyful, celebratory, respectful, safe, honest sex. It is sex in the ways we think it was meant to be used. It is sex laced through the intricacies of every emotional interaction and every personal evolution and every decision and every failure and every victory.

Anyone raised in the world that I was, would dismiss this story quickly. It’s “smut”. It’s “dirty”. It’s “filthy”. It’s “trash”.

And there are parts of me that still felt that way, even as we were writing it.

In the interest of being really, really clear, here’s how I have used Sanctified to overcome my toxic religious programming:

1. Write a really really long romance series that pretty much has sex on every page. You can even name the body parts sometimes! (Oh, hey, we did this part for you already! It’s called Sanctified and we’re here to share it.)

2. Force myself to read it privately, even though it made me uncomfortable. (We’re talking head-under-the-covers-with-a-flashlight level) Taking deep breaths, re-reading the paragraphs that my conditioning caused me to skip right over, noticing when something made me tingle and welcoming that sensation.

3. Read it privately, but not with so much of the forcing energy.

4. Read it together. Out loud. In the same room. Maybe even with the lights on.

5. Read it together, letting yourselves feel all the feels, and then put the story down and just don’t shut off the feels.

6. Read the story, feel the feels, and maybe feel each-other’s feels.

7. Start noticing that you’re thinking about Sanctified while you’re doing the dishes… while you’re driving… while you’re eating dinner…

8. Start looking forward to reading the next section of Sanctified, together, and letting yourself be curious about what you might discover.

9. Read Sanctified, together, aaaaaaaand try acting out your favorite parts!

10. Look back, and see that every step of the way, your days have become more infused with light, and joy, and goodness, and vitality. Realize that you are finding improvement in every area of your life. Be mindful of the power growing within you. Look for ways to apply that power, and then go back to the well to drink more. Stay thirsty 😉

And when you finally make it to the end… Start over. We did!

🩵🩵🩵

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Step Two:

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If you’re interested in hearing more about the religious aspect of my journey, this article turned out to be a seed that sprouted into its own publication: the Purity Culture Dropout Club!

✏️ Deconstruction Under Construction 🚧

Or, you can stick around here and keep reading!

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